i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
