i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
