So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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