i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
did you just send me my own nude
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
