I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
