My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
