my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
