i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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