Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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