i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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