ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize