I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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