she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
