She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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