i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
