In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize