i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
