it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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