tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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