new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
