He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize