Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
either way he was missing a nipple.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
