I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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