What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
