I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
