remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
