Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
