you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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