Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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