my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
