Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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