Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
