i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize