So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
