i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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