so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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