I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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