Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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