i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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