I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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