trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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