There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
