would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
