first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize