i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
