and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My life is pants optional.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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