she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Did I show you my penis last night?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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