I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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