Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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