There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize