she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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