I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
