I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
