im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
