Jerry, you need to find god
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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