She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
