i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Then you guys just all showered together...?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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