I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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