I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
