too bad you live with your parents still
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize