i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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