My cat gives me a boner
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
