Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
