Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
