The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
